Fashion, Style, Art & Textiles Are My Escape, My Way Of Forgetting About Reality.

So I've decided to write a bit more of a personal post today. After managing to drag myself to physiotherapy and coincidently break down in tears from the pain and frustrations, it’s time to talk it out. You may think well why don’t you speak to your family or friends but while I do have an amazing set of both and a wonderful boyfriend to top it off, there are two reasons stopping me.

1. I’m really sick of talking about what’s happened and I feel as though it’s always about me which I really hate.

2. No one understands.

Yes you might think six months after she’s back to her normal self, it’s the opposite. The pain is slowly getting worse and the bad news seems to keep coming.

I’ll give you a bit of background.

On February 13^th I was in a car accident driving to Aberyswyth. Waking up in Aber, I honestly thought I was fine, I can recall asking my boyfriend if I was still stopping at his tonight while lying in a hospital bed unable to move and with a seriously huge purple forehead and set of eyes; I must have been on a lot of morphine!

  Cut a long story short, I stayed in intensive care and was driven by ambulance to Cardiff Hospital, where I would stay for three long weeks.

I had broken my back, humorous (arm) and ribs and as I have recently found out severely ruined my left palletar tendon.

I had my first back operation straight away whereby a metal rod was fitted to keep me stable. As my luck goes, stable it was not.

You really learn to appreciate things when you’re lying in hospital bed where you can’t move, not even turn on your sides or go to the toilet, I was in this position for two weeks. There aren't words to describe how I felt during that time, the hardest period of my life so far. When I could move slightly I was fitted with a back brace, stylish it is not. I still wear it at the moment when I need to for support and honestly it is not something you want to be wearing. No clothes fit over it or under it so being fashionable isn't an easy option!

After those tearful two weeks physiotherapists thought I was ready to make my first movements, but as I made my first step supported by two nurses, I was lying in a crumpled mess on the floor within seconds. Unfortunately I had been dropped on the floor and my back had collapsed so I was transferred to nearby Llandough Hospital where I underwent my second major spinal surgery and would be my home for the next three weeks.

The rod in which I was originally fitted with had to be taken out and part of my vertebrae was in bits so particles of bone had to be removed. I was then fitted with a metal fusion cage, supported by several pins, after nearly eight hours I was out of surgery. But not without drama.

 I woke up screaming. It sounds like a nightmare, I had never experienced pain like it in my left leg. I found out during the operation my nerves had been severely messed with in my left leg and it was honestly ten times the pain of my newly operated back. I didn't realise how damaged nerves were affected but I still have no feeling in my left leg down to the knee and that may never come back.

I learnt to walk again in those next few days but not without pain, graft and tears and it is not something I wish upon anyone.

This was my first time outside after four weeks when my boyfriend took me just to the entrance of Llandough hospital. I look a state, but be understanding!

Six months later I still haven’t had arm surgery. As you can see from the image below it is a bit of a mess, thirteen different parts to be precise. I am hoping to have arm surgery on the 29^th July so everything’s crossed the operation goes ahead.

Currently my arm! No, it is not nice to look at!!

I also found out very recently I may have to have leg surgery which could put me in a leg brace for several months. Honestly I'm going to look ridiculous with a back, arm and leg brace! Basically my palletar tendon has been destroyed through impact which we think happened in the car accident. But I have my MRI scan in the next few weeks so we’re hoping for a better idea of what is going to happen then.

At the moment I'm just feeling dreadful. Not myself and getting frustrated and upset with not being able to do tasks that come so easily to all of us. Putting my knickers and socks on is now one of the hardest tasks of the day. Being able to drive is moving further and further into the horizon and the most difficult and saddening part is not being able to draw anything like I used to be able to. I am an art and textiles student so drawing is a huge aspect, I don’t even let myself think about whether I’ll be able to return to University or not. I manage to go out with my friends a couple of times but at the moment it’s always a daunting task, I'm always worrying about whether I'm going to last the whole evening or if I'm stupidly going to make a mistake and slip over, panicking I guess is now a normal feeling.

My first outing with my mom & sister on Mothers Day wearing my back brace, arm brace and armed with my crutch.

Physiotheraphy is for me something to look forward to. I attend St George’s Park and I really love all my physios. I have acupuncture, hydrotherapy, gym sessions, Pilates (well trying to lie on the floor and get back up takes up most the session!) and regular leg workouts. Anything active really makes me feel better at the moment as I'm not able to do much at home. I'm still on a lot of medication and attempting to come off them has been a pointless task. At the moment although I don’t want them to be, they’re a necessity and I need them to feel what I think is ‘normal’ but as everyone keeps telling me, ‘it takes time’.

Right this second I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I don’t know when I'm ever going to feel better.

Always for me fashion, style, art and textiles are my way out, my love, and enjoyment. I always pair a personal memory with an  item of clothing that is meaningful to me. If you read my first ever post it was my beautiful H&M Grey wool coat that was cut up. Today it's my Nike Flex Training Trainers that are my absolute must haves. I have to say following bloggers and both S/S14 & A/W 14 they have made a huge comeback. So for me they are not only a necessity for physio but a stylish comfort.

The whole point of this blog was to keep me occupied after coming out of hospital, and I have to say I've loved doing it. It takes my mind off the pain and keeps me doing something I love and I really hope this post is inspirational to anyone in a way. I haven’t written it for sympathy, for me it is a place to vent how I'm feeling and dealing with the circumstances in my own way.

eci.x